Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
