Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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