I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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