if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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