I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
