I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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