Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
