Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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