Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
