I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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