i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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