Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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