roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
