the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
