I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i dont even know how to be here
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
