I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
