we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
