The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
