My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
