im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
