Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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