Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
