My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
