Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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