Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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