Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
