Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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