and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
