Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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