Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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