Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
