I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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