hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
