on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
