i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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