at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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