Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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