my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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