Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
