Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
