Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
