I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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