did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
