Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
