Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize