I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
