Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
