the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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