the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
