Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
