I hate your face
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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