it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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