dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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