this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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