He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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